21 February 2013

Reserved for me, that Depends

I'm at that wonderful age in a man's life that has been labelled as my mid life.  I'm only 47.  Does that mean I will live to 94 ?  I hope I do, my family would probably have some issues with this though.

Each birthday I have, I give the kids a friendly reminder I had to feed them and change their diapers for many years.  They just laugh, hahaha Dad's so funny, not realizing the complexity or the foreshadowing of my statement.  If they actually put some thought to my words of wisdom they would start preparing for the future.  Get straight A's in school, score that big buck career, set up Dad in a 5 star geriatric resort and everybody will be very happy.  Depend Incontinence Products (old fart diapers) are expensive and hold about 10 times the volume that Pampers do. 

Anyway back to the mid life part which will now contain the "crisis".

I think I went through my own mid life crisis a few years ago when I realized something was missing in my life.  Nope, not the sportscar or a big boobed blonde bimbo.  Not the belly tuck or manboob job either.  I was missing the...wait for it...here it comes...the Army Reserve.  Oh yeah!  Were else could I play with guns, blow things up, dress up in real cool stuff and save my country from the forces of evil.

So here's my take on joining the military, it's my 29 step process which I code named "Operation Crisis Eradication" sounds kind of Armyish don't you think?

1) meet up with Army Guy reeking of manhood at actual Army base, Oh Yeah
2) try to find Army Guy dressed in camo's in camo infested office
3) found him, listen to reeking Army Guy curse
4) giggle and add new Army Guy curse words to memory bank
5) visualize if those Army Guy curse words were physically possible and giggle some more
6) nod your head once in awhile to give the impression that you know what all that Army talk means
7) bite your tongue when wanting to ask Army Guy "What was that first part again?"
8) sign badly photocopied Army Guy papers, couldn't read it but I'm not worried
9) get into Army Guy physical shape and ready to kick some butt
10) take Army Guy computer testing to weed out the dolts, barely passed dolt test, close one!
11) sign lots of Army Guy papers, don't read them, too many big words
12) get Army Guy medical test in an ice cold room, can you say "shrinky dink"?
13) take Army Guy physical test in a moist, stinky, sweaty room at Army base
14) go home, dream about being an Army Guy, practice Army Guy curse words
15) wait more than 1 year for a phone call to invite you to be sworn in
18) show up at Army base and realize everyone is 25 years younger than you
19) get sworn in by Head Army Guy and sign some very intimidating papers
20) I think the Queen now owns me
21) bite your tongue when wanting to ask Head Army Guy "What was that first part again?"
22) became an official Private in the Army Reserve
23) show up for 1st week, get yelled at by Corporal
24) ruck march in the dark, get yelled at by Corporal
25) pick up cool army stuff at Army base, get yelled at by Corporal
26) show up for 3 more weeks, get yelled at by Corporal and Master Corporal
27) Army Guy mid life crisis officially over
28) officially retire from the Army Guy fubar
29) can't wait to use new Army Guy curse words

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